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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29895498">paying our bills</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fractalkiss/pseuds/fractalkiss'>fractalkiss</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EVERGLOW (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Future Fic, Post-Disbandment Fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:55:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,431</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29895498</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fractalkiss/pseuds/fractalkiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sihyeon can think of herself as a decent person, but not necessarily a patient or selfless one.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Sihyeon/Wang Yiren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Girl Group Jukebox (Round 3)</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>paying our bills</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>written for GG Jukebox Round 3, inspired by February 2017 by Charli XCX.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>When Yiren is back in Seoul after months, the first thing she says to Sihyeon is that her place is cosier than what Yiren expected.</p><p>"My mother still comes by a lot. If I'd known you'd be here much earlier, we could have done something with her," Sihyeon suggests, watching the way Yiren leans in at a framed abstract art piece hanging on the wall. It was a set prop that had been in one of their MVs, and Sihyeon owning it now was just the result of being friendly with some of the in-house staff at the company. Honestly, a part of Sihyeon thinks they might have also just felt sorry shooting the music video for a last title track and mini album.</p><p>Yiren doesn't seem to remember the piece at all. "We can call her later. I should say hello." Her sentences were less stilted now, having eased in despite her rusty Korean over the phone when she'd called Sihyeon (<em>Sorry, unnie! On Yiren's behalf, I'm giving up your new number. Hope your schedule is clear this week!</em> Yoorim had texted with hearts).</p><p>On the floor of the living room, Yiren looks unbelievably young again, unsure and wide-eyed, looking over the small collection of books at the coffee table.</p><p>"I haven't gotten it fixed," Sihyeon says, sighing at the digital clock Yiren is looking at, and checking against the time on her phone. </p><p>It's supposed to read just past nine in the evening, early for anyone living in Seoul. The both of them have day schedules tomorrow so Sihyeon flips the faulty clock so it's facing away, to be considerate. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Yiren isn't a light drinker. Eunji had seen to that and taught her how to hold her alcohol first. There was also something about a harmless shot of baijiu being a regular thing that she now has in China. </p><p>"Was that my fault?" Sihyeon asks, feeling sheepish.</p><p>Yiren laughs, "Yes and no. Don't feel sorry now."</p><p>"Looking out for you became a habit."</p><p>"Well, was it worth it?"</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"I think," Yiren begins, trying to grasp for the words. The clink of the shot glass she puts down is loud, and unintentionally forceful. Her nails are a sheen of clear transparent polish, and Sihyeon feels herself press down on her own thumb. "I think at one point, you were trying not to care so much about me."</p><p>Now it's Sihyeon who reaches for the green soju bottle.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It could be said that Sihyeon had sort of taken Yiren under her wing the moment she'd flown to South Korea and stepped through Yuehua's doors in Seoul.</p><p>Sihyeon can think of herself as a decent person, but not necessarily a patient or selfless one. Yiren just had the effortless capacity to make people want to pay attention to her even when she'd barely spoken in the same language. Someone that could bring others to say encouraging things in the same tone you'd hear from those exhausting self-help talk shows and picture books for adults. Sihyeon likes the books better. Kindness, and the conscious effort to exude it tends to boomerang itself right back at you. Like being a beacon for a lighthouse to find when Sihyeon would catch Yiren's eyes in the practice room mirrors. Throughout their earlier years, Yiren had clung onto almost every word that Sihyeon said, and it helped Sihyeon keep herself upright for it.</p><p>"It's only just beginning," Sihyeon murmured when she'd caught what Yiren was looking at on the iPad. A clip of the Yuehua trainees' performance on Produce was already up. Sihyeon had done the same thing herself the night before after the first episode of that year's season had aired. There'd been a strange sense of detachment, like water blocking her ears and pressing down on her chest as she'd read: '<em>kim sihyeon is back??? heol, she really isn't going to let anything stop her.</em>'</p><p>Yena's cute skit during the Produce audition cemented public affection from the start, but the words were all the same. It was just the beginning after IZ*ONE had been announced. In the end, Sihyeon too, understood the huge metaphorical clock that started ticking the moment Everglow debuted. The clock would stop in a matter of years.</p><p>"Unnie," Yiren whispered one night. "Hey, don't sleep like that, you'll get sore—unnie, I need to talk to you." Her fingers were freezing to the touch, and her breath was hot over Sihyeon's ear. </p><p>"Shit, Wang Yiren," Sihyeon mumbled, rubbing at the ache in her neck from falling asleep wrong. Across from her, Jiwon's bed was empty, which was unusual this late at night. She'd found out later that Jiwon had been waiting outside, sitting through the calm before the storm. "Have you been drinking?"</p><p>"Just a little," Yiren said.</p><p>Something in her tone, or rather the lack of defensiveness in it, made Sihyeon roll round to look at her properly. The moonlight pouring in from the window shifted over Yiren's face, all silver and shadows. The colour in her bottom lip was blotchy like she'd been biting down on it.</p><p>"I've already made up my mind. About what I'm going to do after this comeback," Yiren told her, her voice sounding flattened at the end, like Sihyeon was just another higher-up at the company in a meeting room handing Yiren a pen to sign her name. It made perfect sense—if Sihyeon had been in Yiren's position, faced with lucrative offers in a country she could call home, she wouldn't have looked back either.</p><p>Sihyeon closed her eyes again. There was that weird, numbing sense of detachment, like she'd grown cold at the joints in her body. Only, if someone were to take her apart, dismantle the ticking clock and dissect all that she was worth, she wondered if she could ever put herself back together again.</p><p>"Are you sure you don't need more time?" Sihyeon asked.</p><p>"We don't have very much of it," Yiren said softly. Her eyes were so clear in this light. She moved off the bed when Sihyeon didn't respond. "I know you're trying not to have much of anything tonight, but Jiwon-unnie made hotteok and tea. I'll be outside when you're ready to talk."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sihyeon had been in the process of clearing out her shared dorm room with Jiwon, when she'd found a note tucked into one of her old books that had been collecting dust.</p><p>The pressure lifted. Brought up a hot wave in her throat that stung her nose and eyes like salt, and then disappeared as quickly as it came.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Lately, Sihyeon has been spending her days working on set for a new Netflix drama. At times, it takes everything in her to be able to deliver even for a supporting role. She runs through her lines and finds a bit more of herself to give each time. </p><p>Jiwon had called her up and deviously congratulated her after an episode aired and Sihyeon's character was in tears after a tense scene. Sihyeon had cried for the cameras, and laughed a lot on set too that day. "If that isn't the Kim Sihyeon I missed," Jiwon'd teased. It's liberating to be able to break away from an image that expected her to look perfect all the time through cameras.  </p><p>"When I got here, I saw you on the buses," Yiren tells her.</p><p>"It's for the drama," Sihyeon explains, waving her hand, though Yiren knew that Sihyeon has always been incredibly grateful for anything she'd landed.</p><p>"I heard—from Yoorim."</p><p>"Ah."</p><p>"You should be proud of yourself," Yiren says, in earnest.</p><p>"Are you?" Sihyeon asks, gesturing over Yiren.</p><p>Yiren looks like she's thinking very carefully about what she's going to say. "You made sure I knew how to be proud of myself. I loved you for that."</p><p>Sihyeon doesn't know how to take that, and tries to keep her voice measured. "Then why did you ever think at one point, that I tried not to care too much?"</p><p>"But it's true, right?" Yiren interjects, leaning in to peer at her.</p><p>"I wanted to save myself," Sihyeon explains, or tries to. <em>I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing you if I'd had you. </em></p><p>"I know." Yiren leans her head on the seat of the couch. "You taught me how to do that too, for myself."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>By a bedside, the note is flattened now in between a book. </p><p>
  <em>You made me feel so loved. I hope you get to receive that love back a thousand times over. Be safe and happy, okay unnie?</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>1. yiren's decision could present as her just taking on more long-term work in china in the story, but really all events surrounding this and the disbandment are up to interpretation.<br/>2. side note that iz*one's yena came in from yuehua with sihyeon and yiren in produce 48</p></blockquote></div></div>
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